In this blog, you’re going to learn the Calling in The One approach to navigating dating disappointment well so that you can be successful in your quest for love. This is a very important topic to understand, and to know how to overcome, so that you don’t get burned out, or give up before you meet your beloved.
Let’s take a look at a typical dating experience.
You start out excited about finding a partner, right?
You begin putting yourself out there, whether online or in real life, and you meet different people. But as you begin making more connections, making more matches, you start hitting some bumps in the road. Maybe you’re having trouble finding someone who has the same dating goals as you. Or you get hooked up with someone who actually misrepresented themselves in some way, and you feel like they wasted your time.
In Calling in the One we categorize these challenges in three ways: obstacles, setbacks, and delays.
There’s actually a sneaky fourth challenge I want to discuss, but we’ll come back to that one later in the blog.
When you are faced with disappointment in your love life, how do you tend to react? Well, if you think about the normal human response to disappointment, you’ll find that the first thing we all do, is try to make meaning of the experience. We make whatever happened mean something about us, the other person, or just life in general.
As soon as the emotions hit, and the realization comes that something is probably not going to go the way we expected, our minds start searching for the answers. We want to know why. Why did this happen?
The reason we do this is that we think if we can understand why maybe we can fix it. And if we can’t fix it, maybe knowing why will lessen the pain a bit. And if it doesn’t lessen the pain, maybe knowing why will stop it from happening again in the future. All of this is a very normal response. The problem, however, is this approach rarely if ever works out in our favor. Why? Because it’s not generative. It’s not in alignment with the future we are desiring to create. More simply put, it doesn’t lead us to our ultimate goal, which is to find a love that lasts.
Learning how to navigate disappointment well is how you will make it home into the arms of your beloved.
Let’s take a closer look at these 3 categories of dating disappointments. The first one is obstacles. An obstacle can be anything that you think is in the way of you Calling in The One.
When you experience disappointment from an obstacle, the meaning that often gets made is that you’re going in the wrong direction, or that what you want isn’t available, and so you get stopped.
The second disappointment is a setback. A setback could be, you finally meet someone you really like, only to find out they’re married. Or somebody you have a great connection with ends up ghosting you. When you experience disappointment due to a setback, it often occurs like confusion. You’re confused about why it happened, and there’s no clarity about how things are happening through you, and not just to you.
The third disappointment is a delay. Delays often feel like punishment, or like being left behind. Like you’re on hold waiting for somebody to get their act together, or like the universe gives other women good husbands, but not you.
The question is, how can you get better at dealing with obstacles, setbacks, and delays?
Here’s a three-step Calling in the One approach:
Step One: Think. Think about what just happened. Pause for a minute, take a breath, and in as few words as possible name what just happened. Don’t attach any story to it, just name it. For example, Someone I really liked and went on two dates with, just sent me a text message asking for sex. Now I feel disappointed and devalued. Just name the feeling without adding any story.
Step Two: Drop into your body and begin to process your feelings about the event.
Try to do it in a quiet space where you can get little privacy. The bedroom, the bathroom, your car, wherever. Now, close your eyes and drop into your body. Notice where the upset lives. It’s often a sensation. Where do you feel it? Is it a prickly feeling in your chest? Maybe it feels like a swirling in your belly. Or a tightness in your jaw. Say out loud what you feel and where you feel it.
Once you locate where the sensation lives, lovingly soothe the part of you that is hurting. Maybe even put your hand on that part of your body, and gently acknowledge, that you see and hear, and understand how hard this is. You’re not trying to fuse with the feeling or become the feeling, you’re just noticing it, and then, taking a moment to be there for yourself emotionally. This second step is called grounding, and it will help your body process and release all of the chaotic energy that comes with disappointment.
Step number three is what I refer to as the “secret sauce” and it’s very particular to the Calling in The One process.
Here it is: Once you’re centered and calm, very grounded right? Challenge any assumption you make about why this happened. Our minds are going to try to find evidence that this happened because there’s something wrong with us, them or the universe. But if you’ve centered yourself first, you will be able to push back against any automatic assumption that a) may not be true, and b) leaves you feeling disempowered.
Being able to make empowered meaning out of difficult experiences is the key to overcoming them.
Now, you might be wondering “Why should I make empowered meaning out of something that I didn’t want to happen?” The reason is that the only way, and I mean the only way to graduate beyond this experience, reclaim your energy, and re-focus your intention on your goal, which is to Call in The One, is to relate to this experience as a learning opportunity. Something that can grow you.
One powerful way to do this is to ask yourself this question: how is this happening for me, instead of why is this happening to me?
Do you see the difference? The first question puts you in the driver’s seat, so you can receive inner guidance about how best to respond. Because who knows, maybe this disappointment isn’t the end of something, but an opportunity to up-level the connection, practice healthy boundary setting, and show up inside of your full worthiness and value.
When you ask empowered questions, instead of disempowered ones, you gain insight and wisdom that helps you solve the problem you are facing.
Let’s say for example you are experiencing a dating disappointment that has to do with apps. The apps feel like an obstacle to Calling in The One and not a tool that can actually help you. After you have named the disappointment, grounded yourself, and asked the question: “how is this happening for me?” you might gain insight. Then from this place, you get curious about whether you have been overly relying on apps.
Do you need to get out of the house more? Start meeting people in real life – everywhere you go, not just in bars and clubs. Maybe this experience is an invitation to up-level your in-person flirting skills like smiling, making direct eye contact, standing tall, and striking up a conversation with a stranger. In other words showing up, being authentic, and in alignment with what you say you want.
Empowered self-reflection coupled with inspired action, is the secret sauce to generating this future that you are literally calling into existence.
This brings us to the fourth dating disappointment that I want to cover and that is being outside of possibility. Being outside of possibility, as it relates to dating, looks like having a stunted imagination, or wanting love from a FALSE center, which is a place inside of you that fears it’s never going to happen, or that you’re going to have to settle in some way.
Basically, it’s an inability to dream big enough. So, how do you get back into possibility after disappointment? You do it by shifting your consciousness from this false center, into what we call your true love identity. And if you want to learn more about love identity, then read this article next.
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Here’s to you,